How I learned to bring my whole self to work
And why leaving the best parts of yourself at home is bad for everyone.
BY REBECCA THOMAS COLE
The idea of showing up fully as myself still gives me a strong case of the “I don’t wanna’s.” It’s very tempting to look at what others tell me I should be and just do that; it seems like this should be the easier way. If Society says I should dress a certain way, I’ll do that. If my boss wants me to just stick to the KPIs and forget the people behind them, much tougher, but I’ll figure it out.
I can show up as others want me to for a while, but I inevitably come to a place where I don’t feel like myself anymore, and the reality is, this is exhausting! The amount of work it takes me to be who everyone else thinks I should be makes it an unsustainable practice. Instead, I’ve learned that from the very beginning I have to ask myself: Does this align with what matters to me? Does what I bring add value to my organization? Am I ok with the status quo or does it need to change?
Until May 2023, I worked in an engineer-dominated (and often male-dominated) environment where numbers mattered more than people and defending our work when it came to mistakes often took precedence over relationships. I have watched women in my industry either try to be one of the guys or stay quiet out of fear of rejection; I was one of them.
I noticed that everyone lost out in both of these cases because we left important parts of ourselves behind. One day I looked around and came to realize just how out of alignment I felt with my own behaviors and habit of leaving the best parts of me at home. Without my whole self, my ability to make an impact and move the organization forward, away from what it had always been and what we had always done, diminishes to zero.
If what I claim to value truly matters, then I decided it matters that I also bring me wherever I go, including to work. This is called living with integrity; if we are not showing up as our true and whole selves, we are not living with integrity. Embodying integrity means that who we say we are is who we also show others we are and also allows others to know what to expect from us in any given situation. It is a huge part of building trust and taking up space.
” If what I claim to value truly matters, then I decided it matters that I also bring me wherever I go, including to work. This is called living with integrity.”
How Integrity Shows Up
One of the very first things I had to do to bring myself into alignment was to determine what I value most. These are often referred to as Core Values; or perhaps you’ve heard them called Guiding Principles. If you have not yet taken stock of your core values, now is a great opportunity to take the time and identify your own.
Having a clear idea of your core values will help you understand what motivates you and identify whether or not the life you are living is in alignment with what matters most to you. My core values are community, adventure, trust, curiosity, and restoration. As you can see these are almost all about people; this is important for me to know. I will not feel fulfilled unless I am working with the human side of things in business, my personal life, and other activities and groups with which I participate. I want to know people and I want to care for people by creating a place of trust and welcome for them. For a really long time, I thought there was no place for these kinds of values in my career. In the organization I left this year I didn’t see many other people trying to bring these values in. And then I had a lightbulb moment – if no one else is going to do it, then I better! How else will it happen if I don’t?
It’s not enough to know what I value or what I need in order to feel alignment within; I also have to protect myself when I begin to show up in this authentic way because outside forces will always try to influence what I decide to bring to the table, including my own doubt and fear. Because I know this to be true, I have developed some mantras I bring into my day. I also say these affirmations out loud because I believe the words that come out of my own mouth. Maybe these will be helpful to you as well:
“My employer/organization/clients/colleagues need me and what I bring.”
“I am brave and courageous. Even if no one agrees with me, my opinion holds value and I can use my voice to share it.”
“I can trust myself. I have a unique perspective and skillset that makes me unique and valuable.”
Positive affirmations are more powerful than you might think, especially if we are working against corporate or societal expectations we’ve been fed for years. It takes energy and time to change the way we think. But it’s imperative that we do the work if we want to show up as our true, whole, authentic selves.
What to expect when bringing my whole self
Recently I had the opportunity to speak to a group of business owners. As I prepared my topic and what I thought would be most valuable to share with them, I was so excited! I was going to bring some ideas about creating great community and the role of vulnerability and holding space; these are things that I find to be incredibly important in any setting, whether it’s a business environment, networking group, or anywhere you might find human beings gathered in the same place.
As I got closer to the event day, I began questioning myself. What if this message wasn’t what they needed? What if what I offered to them was not valuable at all? What if I got it all wrong? Here’s what I realized: There will always be someone who doesn’t like what you bring. Be prepared for that; having this knowledge will set you up for success because you won’t be blindsided when it happens. And most importantly, don’t let these naysayers, whether it’s your own doubt or a colleague stop you. Do it anyway! And maybe more importantly, the most important thing to remind ourselves of is the fact that most people aren’t thinking about us!
As I worked through these questions to myself, I reminded myself of my mantras. The event could only be a true success for me if I showed up wholly as myself. And you know what happened? They were so grateful for the content, practical lessons and stories I shared. Bringing my whole, vulnerable self was exactly the right move. And I would never have known that if I hadn’t decided to take the opportunity and show up. I still can’t believe I showed up in jeans and boots, but hey, that’s me! I showed up exactly as myself, and the message was well-received, even though my brain was trying to tell me otherwise.
A final word of encouragement
One of the most important lessons I have learned over the past ten years is that I need to be me. So, this is what I will leave you with: be yourself – what you know, and what you have – are valuable. You are unique because there is no one else like you! It really is true that your superpower is being exactly who you are!
And celebrate others who show up in vulnerability. It’s not enough that we make a way for ourselves, if others don’t also benefit and see progress in their own worlds too. We need only one of each of us. Any more than that and we run the risk of things remaining as they have always been. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a change! DEFY
Rebecca Thomas Cole
Rebecca Lynn (RebL) is a multi-passionate entrepreneur, speaker, writer, certified trauma-informed coach, and leadership expert. She currently runs her own coaching practice, RebL Coaching & Consulting, where she works with individuals, families, and teams to become more emotionally aware, increase their self-awareness, and to break out of the roles they take on based on societal expectations and individual limiting beliefs, especially when those cause harm. She teaches people to create SAFER space within themselves by releasing the Shame And Fear cycle to find Emotional Resilience. If you’re interested in learning more about your own Core Values, visit her website http://www.reblcoaching.com and grab your free guide to finding them and what to do next!