Forget about "having it all"
In a world that demands women be everything to everyone, the empowering choice is not to have it all, but to have what you want.
Women who are a few decades into their lives are very familiar with the concepts laid out in Helen Gurley Brown’s (1982) best-selling book, Having it all: Love, Success, Sex, Money – Even if You’re Starting with Nothing. Since the 80’s, having it all has been shorthand for women to be independent, have a high-flying career, make oodles of cash, enjoy a fulfilling marriage, produce 2.5 children and raise them to be contributing members of society – in size 6 jeans and 4-inch heels.
Since the 80’s, having it all has been shorthand for women to be independent, have a high-flying career, make oodles of cash, enjoy a fulfilling marriage, produce 2.5 children and raise them to be contributing members of society – in size 6 jeans and 4-inch heels.
Theoretically, to have it all is an empowering idea. After decades of being confined to domestic responsibilities, Western women are finally able to explore what life has to offer. But somewhere along the line, the whole thing has gone sideways. Instead of being aspirational, having it all has become a requirement for women. Rather than being empowered, we have become overpowered by expectations. Nowadays, women get to midlife and realize they are exhausted, frustrated, unhappy, and wondering what went wrong.
So when did it go wrong?
Decades ago, Gen-Xers and early Millennials were openly encouraged to have it all: to explore the world, get a post-secondary education and build a career. But underpinning our young adulthood was the subtext to find a partner, get married, and have babies right away. Unfortunately, we had few mentors showing us how to combine the modern with the traditional social roles for women.
Our ability to choose what we want got buried – especially for women. There was only one option: have it all. Few women who are in midlife now would agree that they were encouraged to skip motherhood altogether if it wasn’t something they wanted, or to forgo the career path to stay home and focus on raising a family – “Get out there and have it all, darlin’. You owe it to generations of women who came before you.”
A heavy load
While we as young women were told that we could have it all, young men weren’t told how these changes would impact them, or how men should shift their behavior to support the changing dynamic in households. As a result, men tended to hold traditional expectations about life, love and family. Even as they kissed their wives on the cheek in the morning before they both headed off in separate directions to work.
Doing it all
What became clear is that having it all meant doing it all. Fast forward to 2023, and despite making up half the workforce, women still do the majority of housework in the home. Women also take on most of the mental labor in families. This includes the thinking and organizing tasks, like booking dentist appointments, arranging car-pooling for kids’ activities, and planning supper after a day on the job.
Is “All” simply less of more?
And about those wages – women in 2022 earn about 70 cents for every dollar earned by men. We can have intellectual debates about the types of work that men choose versus the work traditionally done by women or the fact that these types of work pay differently. But that discussion flies in the face of the idea that we can have it all, if what we want includes being well-paid for work we enjoy.
So, if the idea to have it all means having a family, we as women lose. We lose income, possible promotions and potential retirement earnings every time we stay home to care for a child. In other words, women are being asked to contribute more for less financial return and no big changes on the home front. It all adds up to exhaustion and disappointment.
The set-up
There’s also a dark underbelly to the social promise of having it all that is tied to our consumerist culture. We are continuously striving for a bigger house, a shinier car, the newest tech, a vacation home and so on. If you don’t have these things, well: Strive harder. You didn’t sacrifice time with your kids when they were growing up simply to have a ho-hum existence. You’d better have (acquire) it all.
Having all the things has become so entrenched in our lives that we also experience guilt and social shame when we buck – or don’t meet – the expectations. While shaming is often initiated outside of a person (i.e. social media or colleagues around the water cooler), we also tend to internalize shaming and do it to ourselves. We use thoughts of shame as a form of self-directed humiliation so that we smarten up and comply with those expectations.
And you're not measuring up
To make matters worse, the cultural expectations on women mean that while you’re out there having it all, you also have to be young, perpetually thin (yet with a full bust), perfectly coiffed, and dressed in the latest fashions. Like Ms. Poppins, you must be “practically perfect in every way”, always have the energy to care for everyone around you, and never lose your temper. Plus, when you’re done all your chores at the end of your day, you’d better make sure you’re sexually available, limber and obliging for your partner.
The imperfection gap widens
Looking fit and sexy all the time is pretty easy when you’re in your 20s. But then babies come along, if you choose to have them. And eventually there’s the transition through perimenopause to menopause – when your body develops a mind of its own and no longer fits the mold of what’s socially acceptable.
These impossible standards on women add to the already-heavy burden we carry, and contribute to feelings of failure, frustration, and low self-esteem. Worse, women can become apathetic, and go through the motions of living without interest or joy. What becomes clear is that the blind pursuit of having it all can have a detrimental effect on wellbeing.
What do you want?
This is not to suggest that women can’t have everything they want. Instead, I propose that having what you want is the empowered choice. The trick is to extricate yourself from the social programming that tells you what you should want so that you can get clear on what you do want.
When you no longer concern yourself with what other people expect of you, you can tune in to your own wisdom and create your own path. Rather than being overwhelmed, you can become energized. Rather than being apathetic, you can be inspired. Rather than running yourself ragged, you can be selective with your time and energy. Rather than living up to some unattainable standard, you can stand in your own power. And there’s nothing wrong with that. DEFY
Dr. Lisa Petty
Dr. Lisa Petty is a coach who helps women navigate midlife and create the life they really want. Her book Forget About Having It All: The Midlife Woman’s Guide to Creating the Life You Want is available now.